The poetry of Mickey J. Corrigan

Florida Man Arrested Hauling Exotic Animals

The first driver hit by Florida Man
yelled at the pickup swerving and weaving
down the highway.

Florida Man drove on, hauling the trailer
full of wild animals.

The second driver hit by Florida Man
pulled over to check the damage.

Florida Man drove on, his trailer tilted
dragging on asphalt, sparking the roadway.

The third driver notified state police
fielding complaints about a pickup with a trailer
lopsided, missing tires on one side.

The troopers chased down Florida Man
and found:
a lemur
a wallaby
a tortoise
a parrot
a goat
a bloodied sheep

and a man:
drunk
disoriented
living in his own little
Disneyworld traveling zoo.

Florida Man:
taken into custody
for driving under the influence
without a license, recklessly
leaving multiple crash scenes.

The animals
were taken
into custody too.

 

 

 

Florida Man Arrested After Drugging Date In Bar

Florida Man goes into a bar
a fancy bar
to have drinks
fancy drinks
with his ex
after getting engaged
to an even younger
even fancier
woman.

Florida Man is a fancy man,
a middle-aged doctor
a busy practice
money and women
coming and going,
a baggie of drugs
in the back pocket
of his four hundred dollar jeans.

Florida Man waits for his ex
to leave her second drink
for the ladies room,
adds Xanax
adds Ambien
to her double martini.

Florida Man drops the baggie
in the trash can
in the men’s room,
returns to his seat.

Uh oh,
the police
called by a patron
watching like security
cameras above the bar.

Florida Man denies all charges.

Florida Man takes a hundred
Xanax
goes to sleep.

Florida Man wakes up.

Florida Man rents a fancy boat
sails off
to a distant city
and has a drink
at Tiger Woods’
fancy bar.

Women, he thinks:
can’t break up with them
can’t kill them.

 

 

 

Florida Man Offers Undercover Cop Burger For Sex

She looked so hot
in the tight black dress
hanging out at night
looking for a man.

A man like
Florida Man.

She looked like the kind
of woman
who likes a meal
with a man so
Florida Man
offered her one:
a burger—
if she would
oblige
his simple
manly
appetite.

Women often agree
to such dinner date
arrangements
with a man
like
Florida Man—

but not this time.

Florida Man charged
with a misdemeanor
prostitution count.

She didn’t look like a trap
an undercover cop
to Florida Man
the man
with the tattoo:
Death Before Dishonor.

 

 

 

Florida Man Dates Young Women, Then Sues Them

Very successful real estate developer
in his 70s
accused of filing
frivolous lawsuits
against ex-girlfriends
in their 30s.

“Stalking through the courts,”
their attorney says.

“I’m not a romanticist.
I’m a businessman,”
explains spurned Florida Man.

The ritzy development
he built
up from ruins
into world-class
home to celebrities
top equestrians
royals
the elite
feels the wrath
of Florida Man
when he busts
a security gate
with his convertible Bentley
when asked to stop
and show ID.

“I’m not a romanticist.
I’m a businessman.”

He evicts his women
demands repayment
for expensive clothes
gifts
salaries, loans, repairs
he kicks them
off his yacht.

When asked
to leave
the home he rents
to a young woman
Florida Man
warns the police
about close ties
with the mayor and
his active membership
at the seaside club
of the country’s most powerful
Florida Man.


Originally from Boston, Mickey J. Corrigan writes Florida noir with a dark humor. Poetry has appeared in Fourth & Sycamore, Flatbush Review, And So Yeah, Penny Ante Feud, ink sweat and tears, r.kv.r.y quarterly, Scritturaborrowed solace, New Verse News, Poets Reading the News, and elsewhere. Chapbooks include The Art of Bars (Finishing Line Press, 2016), Days’ End (Main Street Rag Publishing, 2017), and Final Arrangements (Prolific Press, 2019). Project XX, a novel about a school shooting, was published in 2017 by Salt Publishing in the UK.

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